Saturday, 23 February 2019

Should I feel guilty for being broody?


I'm extremely blessed. I have two beautiful children, who are both healthy and happy, and who I love with all of my heart. It was relatively easy to get pregnant, and despite suffering two miscarriages in my life, my fertility is normal. I can't complain really, right?

Despite all this, I do feel an almost painful urge to have more children. Just one more. I'm one of four myself, and felt it was a little too much.. but two has never felt enough. Often times, I wonder if I my desire for just one more is selfish. Shouldn't I just be happy with what I have? What would I do if I had one more and the feeling didn't pass like I believe it would?

It isn't anything to do with not feeling my children are enough- they are more than enough, they really do make my life worth living. I just can't help but feel like there's someone missing. I haven't met them, and there's a chance they'll never exist, but I really do sense them and pine for them.

Sometimes the feeling is overwhelming. I imagine Christmas in years to come, and I imagine it with a big family, outnumbered, loud and overwhelming but perfect. I imagine my youngest as a big brother. I imagine so much, that it would be easy to get caught up in "what ifs".

It may be hormones- I'm not 30 yet, so it isn't a factor of my biological clock ticking. The experts may say it is simply my natural urges, wanting me to be pregnant and to create life. My husband will say it is the fact I've forgotten how hard pregnancy and labour and the year after are (baby amnesia!). Maybe I feel as though time has slipped through my fingers.

I'm doing what I can to help the feelings level out, though I know they wont fully. I've spoken to Jack about it a lot, and got it all off my chest which has been an outstanding help. I'm being as proactive as I can to spend all my time and love with the children I do have. That said, there are times when I drive myself silly looking at their newborn photos and my old pregnancy photos... it's counterproductive of me I know, but as much as it makes the broodiness worse, it also reminds me that I have what I have.

I feel like I am constantly trying to justify myself. I feel I need to justify why I want another child, and that is it okay to want more children, and to reassure an imaginary person that I do love my life as it is but it just would be nice... it's so hard to not feel guilty for feeling like this.

It's on the table, and I suppose with life we just have to see what happens. I think the best thing I did in all this, was to talk to Jack about it as he never really understood that I wasn't joking when I'd mention number three.

So my question is really, should I be feeling guilty for how I feel? Or am I just over thinking what is a perfectly unselfish and normal way of feeling?

Let me know.

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1 comment

  1. What a brilliant post. I ask myself this all the time andi have 5 children

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